Attachment styles, as originally conceived by John Bowlby, assess the impact of the bond with our primary caregiver in our early years with our subsequent behaviour as an adult, the quality of the relationships that we build, and how we show up in group situations. The human baby is completely dependent on its primary caregiver, which makes it extremely vulnerable and dependent on that bond for survival. But even as adults we humans have a deep need to belong, because belonging to a group ensured our survival when we lived on the savannah and that basic survival instinct has not gone away.
This deep need to belong is balanced against a need for autonomy and exploration. As children we need to be able to step away from the care of our primary caregiver to explore the world for ourselves, expanding the boundaries of our knowledge and consciousness. Then something frightens us, or we fall over and hurt ourselves. At that moment we activate our “attachment system”. This system has one goal: get close to our primary caregiver to receive their protection and support.
Secure attachment
The attachment style we develop as an infant is dependent on how our primary caregiver responds to us when our attachment system is activated. If they respond by calming us down, reassuring us about the danger and encouraging us to go out and play again then we are likely to develop what Bowlby calls a “secure” attachment style. This child does get frightened but is easily reassured so grows up into an adult that is able to manage their emotional responses reasonably well. They have also had the benefit of a nurturing and supportive caregiving relationship, which has helped them to appreciate the value of human connection. They are therefore good at forming relationships themselves because they find it easy to connect with other people and support them.
Avoidant attachment
But not all caregivers offer this level of support and the reality is that not all children find it easy to learn to regulate their emotions, yet still show empathy and care for others. Bowlby noted that issues in the relationship between caregiver and child resulted in different attachment styles emerging. First is the situation where when the child cries, the caregiver ignores them. Indeed, any time the child activates its attachment system (i.e. gets emotional or upset) the caregiver is likely to withdraw. So the child learns to dumb down its emotional responses. It will still feel the pain but it learns to shut it away and pretend it isn’t there for the sake of being close to the caregiver. This leads to the child developing an Avoidant attachment style. Because human support and empathy was not readily available to them they grow into an adult who has learnt to look after themselves and does not value relationships with others. In the workplace Avoidant types thrive because they like to be task-focused and get on with the job, which can make them successful. Because they don’t value relationships they tend to see other people in terms of their utility or use, rather than as sentient human beings.
Anxious attachment
A second type of parental response is not to ignore the child but to react anxiously when the child becomes anxious. Cue the flustered parent trying desperately to calm their child down but getting more uptight in the process. This tends to create even more anxiety in the child, so it becomes a race as to who can get the most stressed out. Both caregiver and child are desperate to bond with each other but the caregiver is incapable of providing the reassurance that all is safe. This same caregiver can also become overprotective and smothering because they are so frightened of what might happen to their child if they let them go out and explore.
This situation leads to the child developing an Anxious attachment style. Attachment anxiety is specific in that it is anxiety about relationships, i.e. does this person really like me? Will this person stay with me and support me? So we can distinguish it from more general anxiety, although it can of course form a part of general anxiety as well.
Anxious attachment types tend to live through their emotions and find it difficult to regulate them. At the same time, they care deeply about their relationships with others, which means that they need constant reassurance that the relationship is ok. Anxious types tend to fare less well in our modern workplaces, as they need considerable human support and reassurance, which modern workplaces tend to be ill-equipped to give.
Controlling attachment
A fourth attachment type, not identified by Bowlby, is where a person is high on Avoidance and Anxiety. This type has various labels but we call it Controlling. This person desperately wants to be close to others but at the same time is so frightened of being dependent on another person that they hold back and avoid getting close. The Controlling type knows they want relationships, unlike the Avoidant type who has pushed their emotional needs so far into their unconsciousness that they are no longer aware of them. However, the Controlling type is so distrustful of others that this turns them into a highly controlling person.
Moving into adulthood
Whatever attachment style we develop as a child is likely to follow us into adulthood. Our attachment system still operates even when we are independent, grown-up beings. We can liken it to Steve Peters’ concept of the chimp brain, or Daniel Goleman’s amygdala hijack. In Transactional Analysis it is the equivalent of entering our Child Ego, or Emotional state.
The good news is that attachment style is not fixed. It will also relationship and context dependent. The attachment style you adopt at home may be very different to the one you have at work, and is likely to vary even between your colleagues. You are more likely to avoid some people more than other and feel more anxious about your relationship with some people more than you do with others.
Introducing the Pain Baby
Both neuroscientists such as Damasio and Barrett, as well as more spiritual writers like Eckhart Tolle makes the point that how we think and behave in the present comes from our memories of the past. Eckhart Tolle refers to this bank of memories as the Pain Body, because they contain every emotional hurt that we have encountered in our lives.
I prefer to think of it as a Pain Baby. Because every time it gets triggered it cries. And what’s the only thing that you can hear when a baby is crying? The baby, of course. The Secure Attachment type is the one who hears their Pain Baby cry and can quickly move to calm it down. The Avoidant is the one who shuts their Pain Baby in a room so they can’t hear it, but it will still carry on crying, only quietly, so nobody can hear. The Anxious Pain Baby is screaming so loud that everyone in the room can hear it. The Controlling one is clearly enraged but silently so. This is why people who are fearful or emotional find it difficult to listen to and connect with others, because no one can hear anything when their Pain Baby is upset.
Attachment style and leadership
George Kohlrieser and his team link attachment style to leadership style. They relate avoidance and anxiety to a leader’s ability to care and are. High avoidance results in a leader who is low on caring, i.e. the ability to support and encourage their followers. High anxiety results in a leader who is low on daring, i.e. the ability to take risks and challenge others. A secure base leader is someone with a secure attachment style who is able to care (because they are low on avoidance) and dare (because they are low on anxiety).
Attachment style and culture
Given the impact of leadership style on culture our cultural model for organisations also connects to attachment style. The Controlling leader create a Controlling organisation, where their distrust of people in general leads to micro management and a controlling, fearful culture. The Avoidant leader who likes to challenge and dare is task-focused and often money-driven, creates a Competing organisation, where everyone is trying to outdo each other and hit target. The Anxious leader who desperately wants to care for people and support them, so spends all their time on people issues, creates a Caring organisation. It is the Secure leader who has the potential to create a Listening Organisation. This is because they are able to keep their Pain Babies relatively quiet, which enables them to be fully present and able to listen to both their colleagues and the external market.
Assessing your own dominant attachment style
The Attachment assessment on this website will tell you your own dominant attachment style in the relationship or situation you choose to analyse. The more you understand different people’s dominant attachment styles the more you will get a feel for the prevalent organisational culture. And if you are interested in moving your organisation towards being a Listening Organisation then please get in touch.
